DOWN IN FRONT: XXX

“XXX” sounds like a generic title for a dirty movie, but it turns out to be just the latest rip-off, er spin, on the popular James Bond series.

Bald muscle head Vin Diesel plays Xander Cage, a famous snowboarder/dirt-biker/base-jumper recruited by a scarred-up G-man (Samuel L. Jackson) to save the world from Eastern European terrorists. Put another way, Vin Diesel plays Vin Diesel, because that’s about the extent of his range. As an action hero, he follows closely in the footsteps of fellow thespians Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone without delivering Stallone’s heart or Schwarzenegger’s size.

The idea is that the old James Bond with his unstirred martini and tuxedo wouldn’t last five minutes against these bad guys. These bad guys have tattoos! They’re really tough.

So we are given a new kind of agent in Cage. Like Bond, he has the cool car rigged with explosives and gadgets. Like Bond, he has women throwing themselves at him and consumes alcohol as a job requirement. So what’s the difference between Cage and Bond? Cage has tattoos! Oh yeah, and a dirt bike.

The first half of the movie is pretty good, packing in enough action sequences to make you forgive the stupid dialogue. It starts to drag about halfway through as Cage spends time getting to know the bad guys.

DAN’S GRADE: C- A: MUST SEE B: WORTH WATCHING C: RENT IT D: POOR F: WICKED BAD

Their plan is to launch poison gas missiles from a solar-powered submarine, killing millions and turning governments against each other. Am I the only person who has a problem with the idea of a solar-powered submarine? There’s no sun under water! Also, it never submerges. Aren’t submarines that don’t submerge called boats? It looks like it was made out of old garbage cans in someone’s basement.

Fortunately for humanity, the terrorists are total slackers, spending most of their time partying with scantily-clad women on the East European rave scene.

Of course, Cage does pretty well, because he is immortal and has a superhuman ability to shoot targets roughly 50,000 miles away while he flies through the air on a dirt bike.

This movie is predictable. The characters are unlikable. The one-liners are stale. But on the bright side, a lot of stuff blows up, and there are some pretty cool tattoos.

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